A therapist’s guide on practicing self-compassion
I first wrote about self-compassion in 2021, but this is too important of a topic to not revist. This topic is something that comes up consistently in therapy, social media, and everyday life because so many of us struggle with it (even myself!). So, let’s revisit what self-compassion is and why it’s such an important tool for a balanced life.
What is self-compassion?
When discussing self-compassion, it’s important to understand what it is. While writing this blog post, I’ve noticed that while there are overarching similar definitions to self-compassion, it appears to be relatively mysterious and often misunderstood. Self-compassion isn’t about seeing yourself as the ‘best person ever’ or leads to complacency, instead is a way to approach yourself in all aspects of your life — the good, the bad, the ugly. It’s about how you speak to yourself, respond to your problems and emotions, and even building your resiliency.
The best way I’ve found to explain self-compassion to others is quite basic. At the core of self-compassion, it’s all about offering yourself the same compassion you would your closest friends and loved ones. When a loved one is struggling or made a mistake, are you going to blame them for their choices? Judge them and speak negatively to them for making a mistake? (Hopefully) The answer is a resounding no. So, then why do we do this to ourselves?
According to researchers, self-compassion contains three different aspects — mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. Let’s take a look at what each of these three aspects entail.
Mindfulness — this is all about finding balance and allowing space for your emotions to come up. This is where you would simply observe your thoughts and feelings, not with the intention of changing them but to simply acknowledge them. By doing so, you allow your experiences (or pain) to be acknowledged without feeling overwhelmed by them. If you want to learn more about mindfulness, I’ve already published a blog about this and you can find it here.
Common Humanity — this is when we begin to understand and see suffering and inadequacy as a universal and shared human experience. Essentially, this is to remind you you are not alone. By accepting this truth, you may begin to feel less isolated and even more willing to share your experiences and suffering with others.
Self-Kindness — this aspect refers to meeting yourself with warmness and understanding instead of judgement and criticism. When you are practicing self-kindness, you are meeting yourself with care and support, no matter the issue or mistake. Think of this as the same support you would offer a friend, a partner, or a family member.
Why is it important?
Personally, I find self-compassion to be a crucial part of a balanced and content life. As it’s about offering yourself more grace in difficult times and seeing yourself as a whole person, not just ‘good’ or ‘bad’, self-compassion creates space to find balance from within.
Self compassion can help you solve problems. For example, if you’re struggling with an issue at work, when practicing self-compassion, you may say to yourself ‘these types of struggles are normal. I know I’m stressed right now and that’s okay’. This helps free up mental space to calmly consider solutions for things you have control over and accept the things you cannot control.
Self-compassion can create more space for you to practice acts of self-care and build resiliency, which will ultimately lead to stress relief and balance. Self-compassion isn’t about perfection or avoidance of problems, it’s about accepting problems and tribulations as a natural part of life, a part of life that you will ultimately survive and grow from.
How we speak to ourselves really does matter and will effect all aspects of our lives. When we meet ourselves with hostility, anger, or disappointment for mistakes we make, we are more likely to shut down, punish ourselves, and isolate. When we meet ourselves with kindness and understanding, accepting mistakes as a normal part of life, we are more likely to find inner peace, actually learn from our mistakes, and seek support. Ultimately, the more compassion we offer ourselves, the more compassion we have to give to others.
Ready to Start Practicing? Try a 7-Day Chellenge
Just like so many people, I can easily fall into the mind trap of self-criticism and judgement. After all, for so many of us negative thoughts about ourselves come up much easier than kind, or even neutral, thoughts. So, when thinking of writing this blog post and offering advice or tips, I found myself thinking “What would I want to see from a post like this? What would make it easier for me to integrate more compassion into my every day life?” This is where the inspiration for a 7-day self-compassion challenge came into play (and yes, I will be doing this myself too!).
This isn’t an all-or-nothing challenge, this is about adding one aspect of self-compassion into you day, each day over the seven days. I’ve come up with seven activities that will cover the three core aspects (mindfulness, common humanity, self-kindness) to offer you a holistic view of what practicing self-compassion is really like.
It’s that simple. One task a day for seven days, one aspect of self-compassion at a time, with only a few moments of your day necessary to step aside. There’s no need to force all aspects onto yourself all at once — to put it simply, it just won’t work. Instead, if you allow for a few moments at a time, you will build the stamina to keep it going, and are more likely to actually stick with it. Keep in mind, self-compassion is also a habit to be built, so give it the necessary time it needs to become a habit.
When you’re ready to start your self-compassion journey, click here to download the challenge! Remember: this is a 7-day challenge to introduce self-compassion, it is not meant to be a replacement for support from a mental health professional.
