Healing Your Inner Child: An introduction to schema therapy
There’s no one approach to therapy that’s better than another; all offer something different or approach a person and their experiences differently. This means there are positives and negatives for all approaches, but what matters the most is how aligned they feel with you.
As a therapist, I found myself drawn to schema therapy, and the more I was trained in this approach, the more I saw its value. This approach looks at a person not just as a whole, but also as the parts of a whole. We look at you as a healthy adult, you as a child, and all of the ways you cope as different parts of you. What ends up being the most helpful part of this approach for my clients is labelling our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world, and seeing how our experiences align (or don’t align) with those beliefs.
Schema therapy is all about pattern recognition and breaking, something that my neurodivergent brain absolutely loves. It also gives space for old pain to be seen, heard, and expressed.
What do you mean ‘heal my inner child?’
When introducing schema therapy, I always begin by introducing the inner child. We all have one, whether we are aware of them or not. Depending on the client, this concept can spark confusion, curiosity, or both.
A cornerstone of this type of work is seeing ourselves in parts—our coping parts and our inner child—which allows us to examine how we speak, behave, and think as simply parts of us, not all of us. This is often a powerful first step to not blaming yourself for everything you experience and recognizing that your mental health is not the only aspect of who you are.
When we talk about our inner child, we refer to the youngest parts of ourselves who felt unloved, uncared for, ignored, or hurt in whatever way. This is the little voice that screams out when you experience pain as an adult and usually contributes to the large emotional reactions we experience. When we talk about healing our inner child, we’re talking about healing in the deepest sense – giving the child what they want and need, making them feel safe, secure, and loved. By doing so, we show ourselves, as adults, that we are worthy of being loved, that we are safe and secure, and have control over our own lives.
In order to heal the inner child, schema therapy looks at the beliefs we've held onto since childhood, finding the root causes of these beliefs. As a therapist, my role is to protect the inner child and help them feel safe and cared for until the adult client is able to do that for themselves.
How does this work?
In schema therapy, we focus on schemas (of course), which are our beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the world. More specifically, we focus on maladaptive schemas, or our negative beliefs. These are categorized into 18 different labels, all stemming from unmet emotional needs from childhood.
When I mention unmet childhood needs, people are often quick to say, ‘I had a roof over my head; my parent(s)/caregiver fed me! I didn’t have unmet needs!!’ But we have more than just the bare minimum physical needs. In schema therapy, we see five universal emotional needs:
A secure attachment to others
Autonomy, competence, and a sense of identity
Freedom to express valid needs and emotions
Spontaneity and play
Realistic limits and self-control
Too much or too little of these needs are met alongside the temperament you naturally have, maladaptive schemas can develop. These include:
Abandonment Schema — a fear of abandonment, anxiety about losing loved ones, and difficulties tolerating being alone. People with this schema may react strongly to actual or perceived abandonment, loss, or rejection. Their goal is to prevent rejection, instability, and disconnect, which may make them clingy, needy, jealous, or even controlling in relationships. People with the abandonment schema may even choose to enter relationships with people who they know cannot provide them with commitment or security.
Mistrust/Abuse Schema — a belief that one will be, in some, mistreated or abused by others. People with this schema see others as untrustworthy and dangerous, always expecting the worst. As a result, they are hypervigilant and may even avoid intimacy altogether.
Emotional Deprivation Schema — People with this schema ignore their emotional needs, believing their emotions are unimportant and that strong, independent people don’t have emotional needs. As a result, they can seem cold or emotionless. They often will reject care and support from others, believing their needs will never be met. They usually feel alone, uncared for, and misunderstood.
Defectiveness/Shame Schema — a belief that something is seriously wrong or defective about yourself. People with this schema often feel a deep sense of shame about themselves and their perceived flaws. These flaws can be real or imaginary, but ultimately make them unlovable. This usually leads people to avoid close relationships to ensure their flaws are never seen.
Social isolation Schema — an overwhelming belief that the person does not belong anywhere and is fundamentally too different than everyone else to be accepted. People with this schema often feel disconnected and isolated from the rest of the world and usually avoid social situations and relationships.
Dependence/Incompetence Schema — the belief that the person needs others to survive. They cannot form adequate judgments, make decisions, or manage everyday situations independently. This leads to a constant need for help from others, resulting in the belief that they need a caregiver forever. They often avoid change and responsibility and lack an individual voice and intuition.
Vulnerability to Harm/Illness Schema — a constant fear that something awful will happen at any moment. It involves an exaggerated perception of the likelihood of becoming diseased, mentally ill, a victim of a crime, or facing an environmental catastrophe. People with this schema often feel unable to protect themselves, unable to prevent bad things from happening, and unable to handle them when they do happen.
Enmeshment/Underdeveloped Self Schema — a lack of a strong and stable sense of self, usually feeling incomplete without the enmeshed figure [friend, sibling, parent, someone else]. Their world revolves around this person, leading them to think a lot about, talk about, and depend on them and usually end up feeling guilty when they don’t. This can result in deficiencies in social development and strong feelings of emptiness.
Failure Schema — feeling as though they are failing in life; they are not as smart, efficient, skilled, or talented as the people around them. They believe they will continue to fail, often resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy and self-sabotaging behaviors.
Entitlement/Grandiosity Schema — feelings of superiority over others, where the person focuses on their strengths and minimizing their weaknesses. They see themselves as special and disregard that they, like everyone else, have limitations and weaknesses. They believe they don’t need to follow the same rules that apply to others and feel entitled to what they want in life, regardless of whether it's realistic and reasonable. As a result, they will often disregard the needs of others and manipulate situations to get what they want. (This schema includes fragile entitlement [overcompensation]; pure [not related to other schemas; parents usually spoiled child]; dependent [dependence schema; others are obligated to take care of them])
Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline Schema — impaired emotional tolerance and self-discipline, often appearing impulsive, unreliable, and disorganized. They can’t resist impulses and endure discomfort, prioritizing short-term gratification without considering consequences.
Subjugation Schema — a belief their emotions, needs, preferences, and opinions are unimportant. If emotions are not suppressed, they will cause rejection or punishment. Emotions are suppressed out of fear of something bad happening, not for any other reason. They usually allow others to dominate them and enter relationships with controlling partners. They feel weak and powerless.
Self-Sacrifice Schema — involves giving up one's own needs and focusing on the needs of others. People with this schema choose to put others and their needs first because they believe it is the right thing to do. They often end up stressed and exhausted from giving so much to others despite their best intentions and empathy. They frequently receive little in return, so their needs are never adequately met, which may result in negative feelings toward those they sacrifice for.
Approval/Recognition-Seeking Schema — a belief that one's self-worth is based on the opinions, reactions, and approval of others; if others look up to them, they will fit in and be valued. They place a lot of emphasis on how they and their lives look on the outside, focusing on money, success, status, appearance, and possessions. They generally don’t have an authentic sense of self and don’t act on their own judgments and inclinations.
Negativity/Pessimism Schema — looking on the negative side of life, focusing on pain, suffering, failure, and adversity and downplaying its positive aspects. They often experience chronic anxiety and worry, expecting things to go badly. They anticipate their mistakes will have extreme consequences, leading to high levels of stress and ruminating about the future. This pessimistic outlook can often leave them indecisive about the future. They may even appear obsessive in efforts to prevent mistakes so as to avoid potential disasters.
Emotional Inhibition Schema — placing a lot of value on self-control and generally avoid acting naturally, spontaneously, or playfully. They inhibit both positive and negative emotions (anger, aggressiveness, vulnerability, sexual desire, joy) and may also try to stop others from showing intense feelings. This can make them appear strict, emotionless, or reserved. The overall belief is that demonstrating, talking about, or acting upon one’s emotions is bad.
Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness Schema — a need to meet extreme and rigid standards and rules, often of their own making. It is often associated with perfectionism, (obsessive) attention to details, and highly critical attitudes towards others and themselves. People with this schema often become preoccupied with productivity and efficiency. As a result, they find it difficult to slow down and end up feeling exhausted, irritated, and anxious.
Punitiveness Schema — a rigid belief that mistakes should be punished rather than forgiven, which leaves these people intolerant and unforgiving towards others and themselves. They hold strict standards, do not accept human failure, and will disregard circumstantial factors that might lead to mistakes.
By ‘categorizing’ thoughts or behaviors into maladaptive schemas, we actually simplify what we’re experiencing in our everyday lives. Instead of everything falling apart, we can begin to recognize and say to ourselves, ‘No, actually, that’s X schema being activated.’
The thing about schemas is that they come from somewhere. These are not innate truths about yourself or the world; these beliefs come from childhood experiences where people either told you this was true or you were shown this was true. Maybe no one has told you that everyone will eventually abandon you. Instead, you may have experienced a parent or close family member leaving you (usually multiple) and continued to experience people abandoning you throughout your life, reinforcing the abandonment schema.
When we know where these beliefs come from, it means we can address them head-on, prove them wrong, and grow and heal. By doing so, I often see more self-compassion and care from my clients—they’re no longer so ‘terrible’ that they don’t deserve love, but they begin to see themselves as the young child who experienced things in life that no one deserves; it’s not about them, but it’s about the world they grew up in.
The real, deep healing process begins once we can disconnect these beliefs from how we think about ourselves. And that is life-changing.
What can I do right now?
I believe schema therapy is something anyone can benefit from, especially those who have experienced childhood trauma or difficulties. However, this service type can be expensive or challenging to find. If you’re curious about understanding your schemas or to begin some inner child work, here are some tips and things to try out.
Reflect on childhood experiences – do any of these schemas resonate with you?
What are your unmet childhood needs? If you identify them, are there ways that you can achieve them on your own? Are there people you can ask these needs from?
Feed the inner child! What did you love in childhood – a book, show, movie, food, activity? Make a list and start doing them for yourself now as an adult! This is especially good when experiencing heightened negative emotions that feel ‘childlike.’
Practice [positive] self-soothing techniques:
Talking to yourself with kindness and empathy, as you would a child (really talk to that inner child)
Find a relaxing activity (i.e., taking a warm bath)
Move your body
While schema therapy is something that I enjoy using and often use in my therapy appointments, I can understand that it can feel intimidating or overwhelming in the beginning. However, once there’s an understanding of what these different parts are and labeling them correctly, I’ve seen incredible healing from my clients.
Remember, when you’re being judgmental, harsh, and mean to yourself for responding with intense emotions, you’re speaking to that inner child and reinforcing everything they felt then.
