Surviving the holidays: A therapist's tips on how to better manage holidays with the family
It's the holiday season, which means a lot more family time for some of us. Some of us may have family that we get along well with, share similar viewpoints with, and generally get along well; however, that isn’t the case for all of us. So, what do we do if we have to be around family that we don’t necessarily like?
It’s sometimes really difficult to not go to these gatherings without expectation, especially if you’re away from your family most of the year. As someone who lives abroad, I can’t help but feel excitement and anticipation when preparing to go home, and that includes a certain amount of expectation. We can expect our families to ask us questions about our lives, our work, friends, and partners; we want them to laugh at our jokes; we want to remember good memories and not fight about what happened during Thanksgiving of ‘09. But these expectations often lead us to feel disappointed and even hurt when they aren’t met.
If you come from a family where there’s always drama coming up, it’s safe to assume the holidays are not going to suddenly change that. Does that mean we’re doomed to have a miserable holiday season? Of course not, and here are some tips to try to avoid that.
Have a plan in mind.
If the family gathering is for one day, start thinking about when you would like to leave the gathering and inform your family ahead of time. If you’re going for a few days, discuss the general plans with your family before arriving, making it clear what things you would like to do while visiting [maybe seeing an old school friend, going to a specific restaurant or store, etc] to ensure you will have the time you need. Planning ahead can reduce stress levels for everyone involved, leaving you less likely to bicker or argue over what to do next.
If you know you’ll need time to yourself, make sure you create a plan for that as well! Make sure your car has gas so you can leave the house when necessary; if you don’t drive, remember to go outside and take a walk if you need some space.
Boundaries, baby!
The best thing for any relationship, including family relationships, is boundaries; boundaries protect you and your energy and the energy of others. And the best thing about boundaries, they can look like anything and everything, and you get to decide for yourself what they are. This could mean that certain topics are off the table for discussion – perhaps that’s politics, details of your relationship or breakup, personal questions about your health or wellbeing, etc – or even certain activities are just a no-go (like Monopoly, who hasn’t had a relationship go into turmoil because of Monopoly?).
And just like with deciding what your boundaries are, you can decide how you want to set them. It could be something like, “No, I don’t want to talk about the next election”, “No, I don’t want to discuss this topic with you right now”, or “I’m not going to answer that question about my relationship.” You can give as much or as little information as to why you don’t want to discuss something as you want.
Have a list of acceptable conversation topics.
While we’re on the topic of boundaries, if your boundaries include no-go conversation topics, it could be a good idea to have a list of acceptable conversation topics. This could provide you with an easier way to set your boundaries and steer away from anything that could make you feel uncomfortable. So, when you say “No, I don’t want to talk about this” you can then introduce a new topic to discuss. And who knows, maybe this will save you from a discussion about why you don’t want to answer certain questions. That’s what I would call a win-win situation.
Control what you can (and let go of the rest).
We can’t control everything, no matter how desperately we want to. All we can control is ourselves and what we put our time and energy into.
During a holiday family gathering, we will never be able to control what other people say or do, but we can control how we respond (if we even do). This means if something comes up or is said that hurts you in any way, you can’t stop someone or make them apologise to you, you can, however, leave the situation or tell them you don’t appreciate how they spoke to you. In times when frustration over a lack of control comes up, it’s a great idea to practice mindfulness, grounding techniques, giving yourself a ‘time out’, and radical acceptance (this means not fighting reality, or responding with impulsive or destructive behaviour, but simply accepting how things are in the moment, think “this is just how it is right now”).
Remember, you can always say “No.”
Sometimes the hardest part of being around family is saying the simple word no, which makes me feel like no isn’t really a simple word after all, is it? But just because it can be difficult to say doesn’t make it impossible to say. The word “no” can go back to everything already listed above – “no” sets boundaries with people, “no” indicates what is acceptable and what isn’t, and “no” is protecting yourself and your own energy. And no matter what, you can always say no, your voice is one thing no one can take from you.
The holidays can be fun and pleasant for some, but for others, it can be challenging. And if you’re part of the group where you feel like your family is dysfunctional, remember that family is always complicated, no matter what and you are not alone in this experience.
Remember, a Christmas miracle is not something you can depend on or expect to happen. But you can depend on yourself.
