Why positivity can sometimes be toxic: When positivity can actually be a bad thing.

Something I hear often from clients is how they shouldn’t be feeling the way that they do, they should force themselves to be happy, that other people belittle their feelings by saying “things will get better!” and “oh, your life isn’t even bad. Don’t you know other people have it much worse?” And while these beliefs are meant to be seen as positive and helpful to the depressed or anxious person, these beliefs and statements can actually be really harmful to some people. So, how do you know if your positivity is toxic? And how can you adjust those statements or thoughts to be validating and supporting?

What is toxic positivity?

Toxic positivity can be something hard to define, as everyone wants to see positivity as it is - a good thing. But, there are times where it isn’t good and instead does the opposite as it was intended. Basically, toxic positivity is when we are pushed to only show positive emotions and speak positively about our lives. When doing this, we are pushing down and ignoring a whole part of our emotional brain and our experiences. While to some this may not seem toxic in the same way that other things seem toxic (i.e. emotional abuse, self-harm, negative self-talk, etc), but to many this push to constantly be positive and to see the “silver lining” is toxic.

So when does it become toxic?

The idea behind toxic positivity is positivity being forced upon you. It’s the feeling that you cannot express negative emotions because you will be told “you’ll get over it!” and “omg everything is fine!” Toxic positivity invalidates the feelings of a person. It makes them feel like what they’re going through is not real, is not worthy to worry about, is not a big enough deal for other people to care about. In short, instead of having the necessary support that you can overcome these hardships, it makes the other person feel as though the way they are feeling just doesn’t matter. And that just sucks. When you’re feeling low, sad, depressed, anxious, the last thing you want is for someone to belittle the feelings you’re having and tell you that it really doesn’t matter. In those times, all you want is for someone to listen to you, be there for you, and tell you it’s going to work out and they believe in you.

And that’s the difference right there. Being aware of toxic positivity does not mean you cannot try to make your sad or anxious loved one see things in a more positive light, it means being aware of the right things to say to portray what you want successfully. I’m sure when people use phrases like “just be happy!” or “see the good in this situation!” they’re not trying to say “get over it already!”, but that sure is how it feels.

So what to say instead?

You want to be positive and help a loved one in a time of need, but you want to be sure what you’re saying will not do more harm than good, then maybe try saying a few of these things:

“This is situation sounds really difficult and impossible, but you’ve done difficult things before and grew from them. I believe in you.” By saying this, you are validating the way they’re feeling (sounds really difficult and impossible shows you are trying to understand the situation) while still encouraging them to carry on (you’ve done this before).

“I know you’re in a lot of pain right now, and that’s okay. What can I do to help you?” Again, this statement allows for validation and support. You’re giving the other person the control to say what they need and give the impression you will accept what they say.

“I bet it feels really hard to find the positives in this situation. Maybe we can try to make sense of it later, whenever you’re ready?” Not only does this show validation, but it also offers support when your loved one is ready for it. This doesn’t push the healing and lets the person know you’re there whenever they are ready for it.

I bet it’s hard to tell when spreading positivity is good and when it becomes toxic, but something that we can all practice is if someone else said it to us in a low point, how would we react? At times it feels instinctual to say things like “just stay positive!” or “you’ll get over this!” and for it to mean you’re being supportive, but when your loved one is coming to you and opening up about the negative emotions they are feeling, most of the time they want someone to listen to them. In a world where mental health is pushed away and seen as a “mindset choice”, people can become desperate to hear the way they are feeling is okay and they are going to be supported by the people in their lives. Sharing positivity with those you care for and sprinkling positivity to them in times of need is a great and powerful thing, but when doing so just remember to validate and support!